Finding My Ikigai

A few weeks ago I read about Ikigai, a western-co-opted idea derived from a Japanese concept translating to 'a reason for being'.

It resonated with me and helped aggregate the disparate lessons I've learned from the random ups and downs I've experienced these past few years. Upon having this realization, I felt compelled to write about it. I want to provide folks who have been asking for an update with something better than my usual cop-out answers, as well as leave a note for my future-self.

I appreciate that Ikigai acknowledges the reality that life is a balancing act. It aims to find a harmonious sweet spot between what can often be competing opposites: what we love, what we are good at, what we can be paid for, and what the world needs.

Before I came across the concept, I felt like I had a storm of ideas, intentions, certainties, doubts, and fears. These were swirling around in my head in a passionate but disorganized way. But after seeing this image I had an aha moment. Events that had seemed disparate crystallized into a coherent understanding of where I am coming from, where I am now, and what I need to do next, which is asking for help.

Finding my Ikigai

Where I'm coming from

I "mapped" my experiences and accompanying shifts in focus to the Ikigai venn diagram shown above. I would recommend trying it. I was surprised how precisely it confirmed my feelings at previous points in my life.

Before my move to Texas, life certainly felt comfortable but empty. I had a certain safety net below me in that I hadn't strayed far from home. If I got into any trouble or faced challenges, I didn't have to solve everything 100% independently. Help was always close by.

In hindsight that situation kept me in a narcissistic bubble. It kept me from facing larger challenges. In particular, learning things the hard way, which in many cases for me is the only way. I remained blind to important things about myself and those around me.

As the diagram makes clear, a consequence of being in that state was losing sight of what I loved. There were yet-to-discover aspects about myself like my love for reading and writing poetry, sides that I didn't allow myself to explore by avoiding dating and meeting new people, but also qualities that I had been in touch with that became dormant.

I didn't try to take up drawing again, even though I had loved it as a kid. I let external obligations crowd out my passion for creating music. Of the few times I did do something musically, it was always for external obligations like weddings and funerals. I don't regret using my musical gift in those ways, but I wasn't leaving myself any room for the exploration or expression I needed.

My lack of self-awareness was accompanied by a lack of empathy and understanding for others. I remember feeling angry and upset that more people weren't focused on global issues like the Wikileaks revelations, the Snowden leaks, etc. I looked down on people that wouldn't focus on the problems I wanted them to focus on, but now I realize that in many cases, they already had a full plate of different problems, as did I without realizing. It was an arrogant distraction to expect that I could make a difference with such large problems by helping enough people "see the light".

Not realizing what was truly going on had me often feeling lonely and depressed, and while I still had a lot of positive energy in me at times, more often than not I would pour that energy into the wrong places, sacrificing all of it to black holes. It felt like I kept walking down streets that turned out to be dead ends.

A contributing factor is that I was trying to walk down easy streets; comfort was in fact the problem. This changed when I moved to Texas and I started to encounter challenges and hardship (which also coincided with Corana virus and lockdowns, another contributing stressor). I don't think the destination was as important as it was to leave my little home pond, because I had an inescapable intuition I needed to move for years before deciding on Austin. I even had a dream that I believe was trying to warn me that I was missing something and needed a change of scenery.

Now I have a greater appreciation for trusting my intuition, which has had a remarkably good track record, but back then I would too often let my intellectual side discredit it somehow. Avoiding a move away became a Jonah complex keeping me in a state of arrested development.

Where I am now

If my home was the little pond, then moving away and trying to live more independently was like finding the ocean. There isn't much darkness in the shallow sunny pond, but the ocean is full of it. That is the most important lesson I have learned.

The best way I can describe this is to use one of my favorite shows, Twin Peaks. The show opens with the discovery that the town of Twin Peak's homecoming queen has been murdered. An investigation begins (I'll try my best not to introduce spoilers here) as we are introduced to the seemingly idyllic, charming town of Twin Peaks. But as the investigation progresses and more stones are overturned, a different side of the town emerges, and we realize that the idyllic charm hides a dark, demonic underbelly. Hidden trauma abounds while victims suffer in secret, and while the show is fiction, it reflects a certain reality rarely depicted on TV at the time.

As I tried to live more independently in a new place, I faced more hardship and challenges, and I gained an appreciation for just how much of this darkness is in our world. It may sound weird to be thankful for challenges like that but I am. Provided they don't break us, lessons that contain the deepest truths about life, and the yin-yang-like beauty that comes with it, are the rewards for them.

I will not go into too many details, but I experienced a few events that involved a lot of violation and betrayal, both personally and professionally. While I am thankful I haven't had the worst of it by a mile, it did include pretty serious things like being deceived for over a year, months of creepy behavior from someone that eventually violated the boundaries of my home, and being physically assaulted by a loved one that also stole from me.

I was certainly angry at these people at first, and in some cases for a long time, but it is more difficult to cast judgement today, as ultimately these challenges turned out to be blessings in disguise. The shock that came with enduring abuse and betrayal finally catalyzed me to look at things I had been refusing to look at. The anger was the fuel I needed to endure the hard work of disentangling what had happened. As I learned more, the anger was replaced by empathy and compassion for those who had wronged me.

The biggest piece for me was realizing that those who victimized me are themselves victims. They have suffered in far worse ways than I have, in many cases in their childhoods well before their identities could form. I'm simultaneously filled with a deep sadness knowing what they must feel, while eternally grateful that I was lucky enough to have what I now know to be a precious privilege: a stable loving upbringing free of any serious trauma. It is like I have been given a foundation with a chance to build an individuated identity---a chance to "find myself".

When a person is denied this, when their external world places a burden on them too heavy to bear, they are forced to develop some kind of defense mechanism. Some retreat to fantasy and build a wall or filter to protect themselves from reality. Some will keep everyone at arms length, and abandoning those that get too close in order to protect themselves from experiencing another abandonment. Some will fully internalize the cruelty that their world showed them, go full machiavellian, denying love, concluding that all that matters is power.

I developed some of these same defense mechanisms and thought these same ways, and that was not easy to accept. A key to understanding what was really happening was acknowledging that I'm not different or separate from the people I was initially angry at for hurting me. The things that are in them that caused them to behave the way they did are also in me, and I've done similar things to others in my life. I did not see things clearly until I accepted this fact. After I did, it became harder to pass judgement and easier to have compassion. It was the key to the empathy I needed to see the truth, in them, and in myself.

While my defense mechanisms had held me in a state of arrested development, I was finally able to change them through therapy, meditation, reading, and speaking often with loved ones. But for those with more trauma, they can become trapped in a prison of their own calcified defense mechanisms.

Through these experiences, my focus shifted, but so did my emotions and how I feel I should spend my time. Processing both the initial anger, the eventual sadness, and feeling the deep pain living in others, had me feeling overwhelmed. It led me to reawaken things like creative expression---seeing it now as an outlet to express the things I was feeling rather than a tool to gain external status.

But I also feel a new calling to use my art as a way to reflect the reality I faced. Through these experiences I have been filled with ideas, feelings, truths that words cannot express. I feel compelled to express these through creative means and doing so has breathed new life into my creative pursuits thus far. Before, the only thing I really sought to express was "Tom is good at this", but now I pay homage to the things I learned through these experiences through art, music, poems, and stories.

After reconnecting with what I love, and gaining a greater understanding of what is going on and what the world needs, I made a commitment to devoting consistent, ample time to expressing these ideas through whatever creative outlet is most fitting. But holding onto that in a way that I can sustain is where I am finding a lot of difficulty...

What I need to do next

So as the diagram indicates, I have delight and fullness but without pay. During this time, I took a break from sacrificing as much as I had been for work or my career. I took some time to work with a good therapist who helped me figure a lot out. I'm fortunate I had enough savings to put the things that I was blind to or lost sight of as the main priority for a while, and given how long I dwelled in the opposite place that seemed what was best. But I'm running out of money, and looking for work has me understanding how much I risk losing sight of what I've learned if I do not ask for help. I need help not just finding a job or source of income, but the right one.

A lot of what I'm grappling with is the "double-edgedness" of what I've learned as it relates to my next gig. On the one hand, I am a lot more open minded about many things I was not before. On the other, I am more confident of what my limitations and therefore boundaries are, and trusting my intuition when it is saying "danger! avoid! trouble ahead!". Before, I kept walking down streets that I didn't know were dead ends. Now the dead ends are clearly labelled, but from that emerges a new problem: coming to grips with how many dead ends there are.

For example, being the victim of deceit myself has given me new vigor not to lie or stretch the truth, to stay faithful to the truth as best I can. That's a non-negotiable, because I know very deeply the capacity to lie to others is the inevitability I will lie to myself---as above, so below. If I get in that habit I will lose sight of important things again.

So you can imagine how deeply I have been disappointed to encounter a culture telling me that lying is okay, or even that it gets you ahead in this world. It seems like everywhere I look I find someone encouraging me to spin or hyperbolize. The justification I hear most often is you have to because everyone else is doing it, you'll fall behind if you don't. Well I guess I'm going to fall behind then, because when I encounter an opportunity where the only option is to betray the truth, I consider that a dead end.

It does feel like the cultural zeitgeist that favors a fluffy performance over genuineness, perception over the truth (or the belief that perception is truth), that staying stuck in a fantasy is better than facing reality, is very strong right now (it is also alarming how much I have encountered this for or at security positions). I just have no stomach for it anymore, and I'm afraid of who I may become if I have to be around those expectations constantly for my job. It feels like I have to perform a religious ritual in a religion in which I'm no longer a member.

I need your help

I'm struggling to find that elusive forth piece to Ikigai---what I can be paid for---without losing sight of what I love, what the world needs, and what I'm good at, in the process.

So I am trying to connect with folks offering employment opportunities that will appreciate me for who I am. I am staying open minded about things like position, industry, pay range, etc. But I plan on staying firm on things like working-from-home, good work/life balance or work/life alignment, and ethical, honest leadership.

If you think you could help me, I would appreciate it. I have made a reverse job post that speaks more to my skills and value I can bring to an organization. I'd appreciate it if you'd help me spread the word, reach out via email, or message me on LinkedIn if you have an opportunity that might be a good fit.

Thanks! And if you made it this far, thanks for reading!